As Sheep Among Wolves, part 2 - Gullible vs. Prudent

Introduction
            Do you think most people are honest?  Could you trust them?  I watched a YouTube video this week about a guy who tested people's honesty.  He pretended to be blind, wearing dark sunglasses and carrying a can, and went up to complete strangers on the street and asked them if they could make change for a five dollar bill.  Only, he handed them a $50 instead of $5.  A hidden camera captured how they responded.  A few were honest--telling him he'd made a mistake and handed them the wrong amount.  More surprising, were the ones who took advantage of the "blind" man--trading him five one dollar bill for his fifty dollar bill.  One man apparently didn't have the change, so he simply walked away stealing the man's $50 without even saying anything.  You can see the video here.
            There are a lot of people in this world who would take advantage of you if they could.  The world can be a dangerous place.  We need wisdom to survive.  I need more wisdom.  That's why I've been studying Proverbs since last summer.  Each morning, I read a few verses and really try to understand their meaning.  I even look at the original Hebrew words for deeper insight.  Then, I paraphrase the verses in my own words, trying to capture the meaning the best I can.  (You can read some of my paraphrases here in my past blogs or follow me on Facebook where I usually post a paraphrased verse each morning.) 
            In this series, I am sharing some of the ideas I've picked up.  I hope you will join me each week for my blogs on wisdom. 

Matthew 10:16-20 ¹⁶ “Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves. ¹⁷ But beware! For you will be handed over to the courts and will be flogged with whips in the synagogues. ¹⁸ You will stand trial before governors and kings because you are my followers. But this will be your opportunity to tell the rulers and other unbelievers about me.^{[a] 19} When you are arrested, don’t worry about how to respond or what to say. God will give you the right words at the right time. ²⁰ For it is not you who will be speaking—it will be the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.

A Dangerous World

            The key verse is Matthew 10:16 where it says, “...be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves…”  In other words, don’t be gullible, but don’t be cynical either.  There are people in this world who will try to take advantage of you.  These days, we are inundated with telemarketers, spam email, pushy salesmen, and politicians who want our votes.  (I got an email from a Saudi Prince wh died and left me a million dollars!  All I have to do to claim it is email my social security number so they can deposit it in my bank account...)
            I learned and interesting and disturbing fact this week.  Do you know what is the leading cause of fire in churches?  Maybe you would guess faulty wiring in old buildings or grease fires in the kitchen.  If you guessed those, you would be wrong.  According to Church Mutual Insurance, the leading cause of fire in the church is arson!  This checks out from my own experience.  In 2016, someone set fire to our brand new church van and the fires spread to our church building.  It was determined to be arson.  Who would have thought?  You would think people would be more respectful and not lash out at a sacred place of worship.  You would be wrong.  It is a dangerous world.
            Well, if we are sheep (as Jesus said--harmless, gentle, defenseless), how can we survive out there among the wolves?  How can we navigate this crazy world with so many people waiting to prey on us?  We need wisdom.

Pastor Chris' Paraphrase of Proverbs 22:3

A wise person senses trouble before it happens and steers clear; the naïve walk right into it and learn a hard lesson.

Naïve – Pethiy - פֶּתִי             The Hebrew word in Proverbs 22:3 we translate “naive” is pethiy.   Pethiy can mean naïve, simple, silly, or childish.  It basically means someone is so inexperienced they are easily misled.  It's like a little toddler came skipping up to her mommy very excited carrying a cat turd in her fist.  “Mommy! Mommy!  I found a tootsie roll on the floor!”  (The mother was horrified as she dove for the child before it could shove the "tootsie roll" in it's mouth!)  That child was naïve, simple, silly, childish.  It didn't know any better.  Thankfully the mother was watching out for her.
            Jesus warned us so we wouldn’t be naïve.  If you don’t heed his warning then you are not naïve, but gullible. There’s a subtle difference between being naïve and gullible.   Did you know that?  A naïve person is someone who is so inexperienced they are easily fooled.  A gullible person is someone who has experience but doesn’t let it guide them and so they are easily fooled.  Don’t be naïve and don’t be gullible.

Prudent - 'Ârûm - עָרוּם
            Now the opposite of naïve in the Proverb is the Hebrew word arum, which means “prudent”.  Whenever I hear the word prudent, I immediately think back to my childhood when George H. W. Bush was president.  He once said, “I'm not gonna do it.  It wouldn’t be prudent.”  (SNL even started poking fun of Bush for his phrase.)  Prudent describes someone who is cautious and can see trouble coming before it happens. A prudent person is shrewd and hard to fool.  You’re more likely to be fooled by them than you are to fool them.  We need to be prudent.
            Jesus said, "...be as innocent as doves...", but there is a type of innocence that walks around carelessly over-trusting everyone and everything so as to be easily duped.  We can’t afford to be like that because Jesus said there are wolves all around.  That’s why Jesus also said, "...be as wise as snakes."  Snakes have to be careful because nobody likes them and they could get killed just by someone stepping on them.
            On the other hand, we must take care not to become paranoid either.  When you are hurt or fooled, there is the danger you will never trust or open yourself up to anyone ever again.  And that’s not healthy and it’s not what Jesus wants for us either.  It’s better to learn from your mistakes and gain wisdom.  A wise person doesn’t blame the sins of one person on everyone else.  A wise person knows every individual is different and each person is responsible only for their own transgressions.  A wise person doesn’t blame everyone else for the bad things one person did.
            We must be diligent and prudent.  The stakes are too high for us to be lazy.  A gullible person is too lazy to investigate and think carefully about people and situations.  They take the easy road and just trust everyone.  An overprotective skepticism is lazy too.  Proverbs 22:13 (PCP) says, "A lazy person claims, “There’s a lion out there! I’ll get killed if I go out!”"  Someone who won't trust anyone is lazy because they assume everyone is bad and won't put forth the effort to even consider whether someone one might be trustworthy or not.  Don’t let fear be an excuse to be lazy.
            A prudent person learns to discern between people and distinguish between those who are godly and those who are ungodly, those who can be trusted and those who can’t.  Wisdom also knows the difference between a bad person who sometimes does good things and a good person who made a bad mistake.  We need wisdom and prudence.

Practical Application

            Let me leave you with some practical things you can do to be prudent and not gullible. 

            First, learn from your mistakes. We all make mistakes, but we don’t all learn from our mistakes.  (Some people have to make the same mistakes five or six time just to make sure.  Some never learn!  Don’t let that be you!)  You can learn better from your mistakes if you take some time afterward to analyze what went wrong.  Don’t beat yourself up.  Try to set your disappointment and emotions aside for a moment and just ask some basic questions:

• What went wrong?
• How did I get into this predicament?
• What (if anything) was going on inside me that helped lead me to make the decisions I did that lead me to this trouble?
• How could I avoid this in the future? 

            Second, if you're gonna be wise and not gullible, pay attention to what’s really going on. The context of any situation can completely change the meaning.  There's a funny State Farm Commercial that's been airing.  It shows to completely different situations: one where a young girl just got a new car and one where a man just had his car stripped in a bad neighborhood.  It's funny, because it shows the people in both situations saying the same exact words, but the in the two different contexts they mean absolutely different things.
            If you're going to be prudent, you have to look beyond what's happening on the surface.  What is the situation? Ask:  Where am I?  What’s the context? What’s motive of those talking to me?  How does this affect the situation and how I respond?  Are you leaving the church after dark and get approached by a stranger?  that's totally different from leaving church in the middle of the day in a crowd of people.  Are you checking your email when a window pops up on your screen and says “You just won a million dollars!  Click here to claim it!”  If it's too good to be true, it probably is. 
            Pay attention to people's body language. It’s not just what people say, it’s how they say it.  I had a guy stop by the church with his young son and he was asking if we could help him pay his power bill.  (Now we get these kinds of request all the time and you never know if people are telling the truth).  As I talked with the man, he made it obvious he'd brought he son along because he wanted me to think he cared about his son and didn't want his poor, little boy to go without.  But as I talked with him and watched his body language and how he interacted with his son, it became quite clear the man was using his son to manipulate me into feeling sympathy for him so I would give him some money.  Now, as I noticed this, it told a very different story than what the man was saying with his words.  Using your son to manipulate others is despicable thing to do.  That's not caring for your son.  That's using your son. 

           

            Third, take your time and don’t rush in. Rushing doesn’t give you time to think things through and leads to poor decisions and bad mistakes.  Don’t let people pressure you.  Manipulators (wolves) know what you want to hear and what will make you feel pressured to act before you think.  They bait you until they snag you with the hook.  Then they reel you in and it gets harder and harder to get away.  So take your time.  Don't jump before you weigh things out properly.

            Pray about it.  Ask God to guide you.  This also allows you more time to think.  And as you prayer, listen for God's answer.  If something doesn’t feel right, it may be God’s warning.  We often want to give people the benefit of the doubt even when our instinct is saying something’s wrong.  Listen for the Holy Spirit's guidance.

            Ask a Christian friend you trust and you know will tell you the truth (even if you don't want to hear it).  Sometimes God speaks to us through His people.  A friend you trust will be see more clearly as a third party who doesn't have a dog in the fight.  Listen to them.  Every trusting, optimistic person needs a wary, pessimistic friend they can ask for advice.  And every wary, pessimistic person needs an optimistic friend they can ask for advice.  These two different personalities can help each other find the truth which usually lies somewhere in the middle.

Do the Prudent Thing
            The most prudent thing you can do in this life is take Christ seriously.  You see, the world is a dangerous place.  We are like sheep among wolves.  But we don't have to be afraid if we trust in Christ, because then God is on our side.  Even if Christians make mistakes or are taken advantage of, mistreated, used, or abused, God will take care of His children.  God will use everything to build His faithful ones up and show us His love.  God will repay those who mistreat His children.  And even if a Christian falls seven times, they will get back up again because God strength lifts them.  So the most prudent thing you can do is put your whole faith in Jesus Christ.
            Ask yourself:  Is Jesus really who he said he was—the Son of God, Lord, Savior of the world?  Will you really do what he said you should do—repent (stop doing wrong and start living as Jesus said), believe, love God, love your neighbor, and tell others about Jesus?  The decision is yours.  I hope and pray you will do the prudent thing, the wise thing and chose to follow Jesus today.

As Sheep Among Wolves, part 1 - Fools vs. Wise

Intro Series
            I need more wisdom.  Don't you?  The place to go for wisdom in the Bible is the book of Proverbs.  I've been studying Proverbs since last summer and it has really helped me.  I started by reading a chapter a day (which is quite convenient because Proverbs has 31 chapters and you can read it in one month at a chapter a day).  After finishing, I got so much out of it I decided to keep studying it.  Each morning, I read a few verses and really try to understand their meaning.  I even look at the original Hebrew words for deeper insight.  Then, I paraphrase the verses in my own words, trying to capture the meaning the best I can.  (You can read some of my paraphrases here in my past blogs or follow me on Facebook where I usually post a paraphrased verse each morning.)
            My study has lead to some insights I want to share with you in this blog series, "As Sheep Among Wolves".  I hope you will follow along and find it helpful.  You can subscribe or signup to receive an email each week with the tools in left margin of my blog page.  Our guiding scripture throughout this series will be Matthew 10:16-20 where Jesus told his disciples of the great need for wisdom among believers.

Matthew 10:16-20
¹⁶ “Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves. ¹⁷ But beware! For you will be handed over to the courts and will be flogged with whips in the synagogues. ¹⁸ You will stand trial before governors and kings because you are my followers. But this will be your opportunity to tell the rulers and other unbelievers about me.^{[a] 19} When you are arrested, don’t worry about how to respond or what to say. God will give you the right words at the right time. ²⁰ For it is not you who will be speaking—it will be the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.

Why Did Jesus Say This?
            The key verse for us is verse 16.  Jesus said, "Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves..."  The early Christians lived in a time when they were a tiny minority in the communities around them.  Their ideas were very new and radically different.  Today, we might describe religious groups who are very new and radically different as "cults".  We see a cult and are wary of their ideas because they may seem dangerous, fanatic, and very different.  Well, that's how people in the first century saw the new Christians living among them--they were like a cult.  Even though they were full of love and as harmless as sheep, their radical new ideas ideas were threatening to some and Christians were completely committed to their beliefs--even willing to die for them.
            Non-believers often persecuted the Christians they feared.  They seized Christian's property, arrested them, tortured them, and even killed them.  So Jesus wanted his followers to have wisdom to stay safe among the "wolves" living around them.  He said, "you should be as shrewd [i.e. wise] as snakes..."
            It's not normally a compliment to be called a snake.  Most people don't like snakes, but snakes have to be cunning.  I mean, they don't even have hands and feet.  I would be in a pickle if I didn't have hands and feet, but a snake get's by just fine by sneaking around, staying out of sight, and stalking it's prey.  It has to be wise because that's the only way it can survive. 
            Thankfully, we don't live in the first century when everyone was trying to kill Christianity.  However, our world can still be a dangerous place.  Though most people in America claim to be Christian (or at least espouse tolerance of the Christian faith), it can be really hard to see who is a true believer (a sheep) and who is really a wolf in disguise.  There is evil in our world and it sometimes comes from the very people we consider safe.  One week people are proposing teachers should be given guns to protect our schools from people like the teenager who gun down 17 students in Lakeland, FL.  The next week, it is a teacher in Dalton (where I live) who brings a gun to school and barricades himself in a classroom and fires the weapon through the window.  You begin to wonder who you can trust and if you can really trust anyone.

            And so Jesus also said, we should be "as harmless [i.e. innocent] as doves."  We must resist the urge to be paranoid and cynical.  We must continue to see the best in people and have hope that God's goodness will win out.  And this all takes great wisdom because the stakes are very high.
            So let's go to Proverbs and see what God's word has to offer about the difference between a wise person and a fool.

Proverbs 10:14 (Pastor Chris’ Paraphrase) – A wise person soaks up all the knowledge they can, but a babbling fools is too busy talking to learn anything and might walk right off a cliff.

 

A Wise Person

            Someone once told me:  “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”  There are many different Hebrew words used for wisdom in Proverbs; they all have slightly different meanings.  Wisdom can mean:  being lead by God’s Holy Spirit, well-informed, making wise decisions, someone who is careful, or someone who knows the way things really are.

            In Proverbs 10:14 the word for wisdom is ḥâḵâm (חָכָם).  Hakam describes someone who is  smart because they know how to do things skillfully and artfully.  In other words, they don’t just do stuff; they do stuff right.   Someone with hakam wisdom is careful.   They take care as they accomplish projects.  They don’t make mistakes that cause other problems.  You know, it's not just about getting things done.  If you get things done but ruin other projects or relationships in the process, what have you really accomplished.  Wisdom is getting things done while building everyone and everything up.  Hakam also carries the idea of being cunning and subtle (like a snake).  Someone with hakam wisdom doesn't draw attention to themselves. They accomplish things without people even knowing what happened.

            Bishop Bevel Jones was one of my seminary professors after he retired from being a bishop of the United Methodist Church.  I really enjoyed his class.  I saw him coming out of a busy conference center one day as I was going in and I decided to shake his hand and tell him how much I appreciated his teaching.  Bishop Jones eagerly grasped my hand and pulled me along with him as we talked.  He was very gracious as I expressed my gratitude.  He seemed genuinely pleased to speak with me for a few moments and I felt glad to have had a chance to talk with him.  When we broke off our short conversation I realized, I had spent the last couple minutes walking away from my destination and towards the Bishop's.  I hadn't even realized what he'd done, but he had redirected me to walk with him and I had been glad to do it!  So I had to walk back to my destination while the bishop hadn't missed a stride the whole time.  Now that, my friends, was the a bishop's subtle wisdom!

A Fool – wîyl (אֱוִיל)
            The opposite of a wise person is a fool.  How would you describe a fool?  Someone who’s dumb?  Someone who’s always clowning around?  Someone who just doesn’t get it?  There are many kinds of fools.  Technically, you could describe a two-year-old as a fool.  That’s not a bad thing, they’re just not old enough to know any better yet.
            The word Proverbs 10:14 uses for fool is wîyl (אֱוִיל).  A wîyl fool is someone who is immature (in the sense they haven’t grown up yet).  It’s one thing for a two-year-old to be immature; that’s normal.  But a wîyl fool is old enough to know better, yet they deliberately refuse to grow up.  A wiyl fool despises wisdom.  They are actually proud of their childish ways.  They may even boast "I'm just a simple man.  I ain't like those ivory tower college boys!"  A wiyl fool often uses jokes and sarcasm to avoid learning from their mistakes.  They will laugh and make fun of people who try to hold them accountable.  These kinds of fools are arrogant and argue when you try to teach or correct them. “Ain’t nobody can’t learn me nothin’!”  And because of their attitude, wiyl fools make bad decisions and get into all kinds of trouble, repeating the same mistakes again and again.  Meanwhile, they're always blabbering about how everyone else is wrong and how they're the ones who really know--as they're walking off a cliff right in front of them.

Practical Application

            Remember, we are like sheep among wolves.  So we need to be as wise as snakes.  The stakes are high.  It’s dangerous out there so don’t be a fool!  Pray for wisdom.  Study God’s Word!  Learn all you can.  You need wisdom to survive!  I need wisdom too.  That's why I’ve been studying Proverbs.  There’s so much good stuff in there.  Let me share some of what I’ve learned about wisdom so far.

The first and biggest part of wisdom is revering the Lord.  Proverbs 1:7 (Pastor Chris' Paraphrase) says, “Knowing the way things really are all starts with deep awe for the Lord.”  Some versions say the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and that's an unfortunate translation.  No one wants to be afraid and that's not really the sense of the proverb.  There is an element of fear, but it's more like the fear you may feel as you stand at the precipice of the Grand Canyon.  It is an awe inspiring sight as you see the majesty of that breath taking view.  And yes, there is a healthy fear (especially if you are afraid of heights) because one wrong step and you could fall to your death.  And that is the sense in which we have a reverent, awe-inspiring fear of the Lord that leads us to wisdom.  You see, wisdom all starts with your relationship with God.  True wisdom comes from God.  Books and education can help, but without God you will always be a fool (maybe a really intelligent fool, but still just a fool.)

Second, to learn wisdom, you must be willing to listen and learn.  It’s hard to learn while you’re talking.  (That’s why God gave you two ears and only one mouth.)  You have to realize you don’t know it all and you don’t have to pretend you do for others to respect you.  “A wise person speaks because they have something to say.  A fool speaks because they have to say something.” (Plato)  You don't have to say something.  You can choose to stay silent.  Talking too much can get you in all kinds of trouble.  And even someone who hasn't got a clue seems intelligent if they just keep quiet.  On the other hand, people who try to prove how smart they are by always talking about it, usually prove just the opposite. 

Third, it is wise to learn to control yourself and your impulses.  Don’t let emotions be the primary driving force of your actions  Emotions have their place as one of the tools in your personality, but they're not meant to be the primary way you make decisions.  People who "follow their heart" often walk right off a cliff.  Your heart is not as smart as your brain.  So let your heart inform your brain, but let your brain make the decisions.  And of course, remember wisdom all begins with an awe-inspired relationship with God.  So let God’s Holy Spirit guide you to use the reason and wisdom God gives you.  And please, be careful!  Don’t mistake your personal emotions for the Holy Spirit.  Just because you heard a song and it gave you goose bumps doesn't mean it was the Holy Spirit telling you to do something.  Maybe it was just a really good song.  So test what you think the Spirit is saying.  Check the Scriptures.  Ask a really good Christian friend what they think--someone you know will tell you the truth even if it's not what you want to hear.

 

We need wisdom.  What can you do to get more?  Pray and ask God to give you wisdom.  Spend time with Him everyday.  Maybe you would like to read through Proverbs.  That's a great way to learn wisdom from God.  Perhaps you'd like to join me here on my blog each week as we contemplate wisdom from Proverbs.  I hope you will.

Silly Love Songs Part 3 - More than Words

Introduction
            People will say some silly things to to prove they love someone.  One expression I hear a lot these day that sounds silly to me is:  “I love you to the moon and back!”  Some of our favorite silly love songs say I love you in more romantic and musically beautiful ways.  Rod Stewart (originally Van Morrison) sang, “Have I told you lately that I love you?”  Stevie Wonder sang, “I just called to say I love you!”  And, perhaps the most unrealistic of all, Chicago sang, “You’re the meaning in my life; you’re the inspiration.”  Man that sounds good, but it's a lot of pressure to be the main person who brings meaning and inspiration to someone's life.  Maybe it would be better for us to look to God for that instead of a mere mortal!
            The inspiration for today's blog came from a song by a group called Extreme.  They sang, "More than words is all you have to do to make it real.  Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me, 'cause I'd already know."  Saying "I love you" is important, but real love is deeper than words. 

1 John 3:18

Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.

            Jesus showed God’s love by his actions.    It is interesting to note, the Bible never records Jesus saying those three words that are so powerful in our culture: “I love you.”   That doesn't prove he never said "I love you" because the New Testament didn't record everything Jesus said and did. We know Jesus did love people.  There were many occasions the scripture reported his feelings of genuine love for people.  However, we can be sure of Jesus' deep love--not because of what he said, but--because of what he did.
            First of all, Jesus left the glory of heaven to live in our broken world.  John 1:14 – "So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness."  Jesus left the perfection of Heaven where he was fully loved, adored, and worshiped and came to live in our broken world, in a broken human body, dealing with our broken political, economic, and social systems, and suffering the hurt, sadness, suffering, and death of our broken lives.  He didn't have to do it, but he did because he loves us.
            Jesus said "I love you" by teaching us how to live and survive and find forgiveness and love and salvation through faith in God's grace.  Jesus also showed his love by serving us.  Matthew 20:28 – “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”  Even though we should have been the ones serving Jesus, his love compelled him to serve us selflessly.  And finally, Jesus died for us.  John 15:13 – "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends." 
            Since Jesus loved us, we ought to love one another.  And Jesus’ death on the cross is the cue for our level of commitment.  It is not that we necessarily also actually die.  What it means is we should love each other without limits.   

Learning How to Love Others in Meaningful Ways

            We’re all different and we communicate and receive love in different ways.  Gary Chapman wrote a great book, The Five Love Languages, that identifies five of the most common ways people express and receive love.  The trick to really showing people you love them is knowing how the person you love receives love.  It is very likely they receive love in a way different than you.  And if you are always showing your love in ways they don't understand, they might not know how much you love them even if you love them very much.  The key is learning how to speak their love language.  And here's the really cool thing, knowing a person's love language isn't just for romantic relationships.  It's vital for showing love to your kids, your friends, family, anyone really.      

            Understanding and speaking the love languages can help you in all your relationships.  So I encourage you to learn them.  And I also would like to offer you some help is going deeper into the love languages with the people you care about.  I have a few surveys available that can help you understand yourself and those you care about better.  My family and I used these during a family night get together.  I learned my wife's primary love languages as well as my kids.  And I try to keep these in mind as I work to show my love for each of them.  Perhaps you would like to use the surveys too.  Click here to email me and I will send them to you as an email attachment. 

            Now, I would like to give you an overview of the five love languages as we think Jesus's love and how we can love others like Jesus loves us.

 

Words of Affirmation             The first love language is words of affirmation.  Some people really feel loved simply because you tell them.  There are some important things p eople you love need to hear you say.  First of all, the need to hear you say, " I Love you."  Now, not everyone likes to say those words and some feel that if you use them too much they lose their meaning; I get that.  But people who speak the love language of words of affirmation need to hear you say it anyway.  Furthermore, everyone you really care about, needs to hear you say, "I love you" at least once in their life.  How sad it would be for a son or daughter to go through their whole live never having heard their father say he loved them.  Perhaps he showed them in a thousand ways by what he did and how he cared for and protected them, but if he never actually said it would be sad.  So say "I love you."  And for those who say those words all the time, make sure you go deeper and say why you love them.
            There are some other things the people you love need to hear from you.  They need to hear you say "I’m sorry."  We all make mistakes, but it makes a real difference when we tell people we love we are sorry when we mess up.  My brother is eight years older than me and he was my idol when I was a child.  I looked up to him so much.  But sometimes he would get angry with me (probably because I was being a pest, like little brothers sometimes can be).  I remember very vividly, though, a few times my older brother came to me after getting angry and saying "I'm sorry."  That left a huge impression on me.  I knew he loved me when he said that.
            The people we love need to hear us say, " No."  Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries and if you love someone you need to help establish them.  Saying "No" in a loving way is one of the ways you do that. 
            And finally, the people you love need to hear you say, "Thank you."  It shows you're grateful and this is especially important people whose love language is words of affirmation. 
            Now you also need to be careful, because one sure way to really hurt people with this love language is to speak hurtfully to them.  If you get angry or frustrated and lash out or say something mean to them, it's like you are saying, "I don't love you!"  To you, they may just be words; but to a person who's primary way of receiving love is through words, your hurtful words are telling them you don't care about them.  So be kind and loving with your words--especially to those who speak the love language of Words of Affirmation.


Acts of Service
           The second love language is Acts of Service.  1 John 3:18 teaches we should love—not merely by words—but by our actions.  For many people who speak this love language, actions speak louder than words.  You may say "I love you" a thousand times to an Acts of Service love language person, and they might respond, "Well that's just great.  But what have you done for me lately?"  If you want them to know you really love them, you're gonna have to get to work.  Anything you can do to ease their burden of responsibilities will communicate your love to them and will be deeply appreciated.  And here's how you can really earn some bonus points with a person who speaks the acts of service love language.  Quite often, people don't even know what they need help with.  So, if you can figure it out and help them without them even asking, you will really show them your love.
            Now with every type of love language, there are things we sometimes do that communicate the opposite of love; things that seem to say, "I don't really care about you."  For a person who's love language is acts of service, it really bugs them when you are lazy or make a promise and don't keep it.  And it also bothers them more than the average person when you make more work for them.  So be careful not to do these with people whose primary love language is acts of service.


Receiving Gifts
           For some people, the primary way they receive love is by receiving gifts.  That might seem petty or materialistic if that's not your primary love language.  However, don’t mistake this for materialism--it’s not about the things; it’s about the thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift.  To people who speak this love language, a gift shows they are known, appreciated, cared for, and prized above whatever sacrifice it took to give them a gift.  Remember, the wise men gave Jesus gold, frankincense, and myrrh.  They weren't trying to buy his love.  They were expressing their love and adoration through a material gift.  Another story in the New Testament is the woman who anointed Jesus' feet with an expensive perfume.  It wasn't about the gift as much as it was the love she showed as she wept at his feet.  And remember, what is it that Jesus really wants?  Jesus wants your heart. 
            Now, you need to be careful because the surest way to make someone with the primary love language of receiving gifts feel like you don't really love them or care is to miss their birthdays or anniversaries, or just grab a hasty gift you didn't really think about.  A thoughtless gift is about as bad as no gift because it communicates you didn't care enough to think about it and don't really care about them.
 
Quality Time
            A fourth love language is quality time.  Quality time is time spent in giving another person one's undivided attention in order to strengthen a relationship.  One of the most precious gifts you can give in our busy day and age is your time.  People will pay someone to clean their house, wash their car, or change the oil.  They could do these things themselves, but it is worth it for some people to pay someone else to do these menial tasks because their time is more valuable than the money it cost to pay someone.  They would rather spend their time on things they see as more important or meaningful. 
            Jesus was an extremely busy and important person.  Everyone wanted to be with him.  And in a day and age when children were considered very unimportant, Jesus spent quality time with them.  When some children came to see Jesus, his disciples try to send them away.  But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me.”  Children were important to Jesus and he gave them his undivided attention to show that "Jesus loves the little children of the world."
            Now, for a person whose primary love language is quality time, the surest way for you to communicate you don't really love them is to let yourself be distracted when you are there to be with them.  It's like when you are talking to them and you're not really listening or you keep stopping to check the Facebook updates on your phone.  Or, maybe you had a date to go out with them and you canceling or postponing the date.  These behaviors are especially hurtful to people who crave quality time with you.  So, turn off the TV and your cell phone and just be together! 

Physical Touch
            The last love language I will discuss is physical touch.  Jesus often loved people with his touch.  Jesus' touch healed people of leprosy, which was a contagious skin disease.  People with Matthew 8:3, it says, Jesus reached out and touched him. “I am willing,” he said. “Be healed!” And instantly the leprosy disappeared."
leprosy were considered untouchable.  People would shun them and isolate them from the rest of society.  And even though Jesus had the power to heal them with a word from across the way, he chose to heal them with his touch.  In
            Some people just really need a hug, or a pat on the back, or a thoughtful touch on their arm as you shake their hand.  These simple acts of physical touch communicate that you care.  But it's not just a actual physical contact.  A person whose primary love language is physical touch also need you to "being there for them."  They need you to be with them when they're going through a hard time--even if you don't say anything.  Your presence is a comfort and communicates you love to them.  They need you to answer when they call or text.  And they need you to return their emails in a timely manner.  These also show them you care. 
            On the other hand, when you aren't accessible to them, it makes them feel like you don't really care or love them.  So be careful.  And also be sure your physical touches are appropriate.  Touch is a very intimate matter and people can interpret it in different ways.  So it can be helpful ask what's appropriate and honor it.  Also, consider how damaging physical neglect or abuse might be to someone whose primary love language is physical touch.  Be careful to show your love and avoid doing anything that a person who speaks this love language might see as particular unloving. 

Jesus Love You

            Jesus is the ultimate example of God’s love.  He shows his love for us in every love language.  He told us of God’s love through the Gospel and his teaching.  For God so loved the world that he sent His only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)  He came, not to be served, but to serve others.  Furthermore, he gave the most precious gift of his life as a ransom. (Mt 20:28)  Jesus spent three years of quality time with his disciples.  He ate wth them, walked with them, camped with them, taught them, trained them, and served with them.  He welcomed little children and spend quality time with them.  He ate with sinners and tax collector who no one else would give the time of day.  Jesus touched lepers when others said they were untouchable.  His touch brought healing and forgiveness and peace.  Jesus showed us in everyway that his love is amazing and true.  And the depth of his commitment was death itself.
            I hope you know how much Jesus loves you.  And I hope it fills you to the depths of your souls.  For when it does, you will be ready to love your self and love your neighbor as yourself and love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all you mind, and with all your strength.