Saying “I Love You” to the Pizza Guy

2 Corinthians 6:14-16

Introduction

You were created with a purpose and that purpose is:  deep relationships.  You can go ahead and write that down, stick it on your refrigerator, make it the wallpaper on the screen of your smart phone.  Send it out on twitter or update your Facebook status.  You were made for deep relationships.

All the way back in Genesis, God created Adam as a living, breathing being to have a deep relationship with God.  God gave Adam free will so he could choose whether or not to love God.  That freedom to choose is the essential hallmark of a deep relationship.  Deep relationships are only possible when we can choose.

God didn’t stop with just a deep relationship between God and man.  That wasn’t good enough.  So God made Eve because deep relationships with other human beings is essential too.  Eve was so much like Adam (she was made from his own rib) yet Eve was also essentially different from Adam (she was a woman, not a man).  This mysterious difference between the sexes makes for one of the deepest relationships known to humanity.

We were made for deep relationships.  What is a deep relationship? A deep relationship is a profound, caring connection of mutual support, cooperation, and trust.  Our soul yearns for deep relationships.  The first deep relationship we encounter is with our mother.  It starts before we are even born, while we are still in the womb.  Then we are born and meet our father.  Fathers share equally in caring for the needs of the child.  The father and the mother both love the child, but they often express their love in different ways.  A mother’s love tends to be more passive and nurturing while a father’s love is often more assertive.  Both the father/child and mother/child relationships are deep relationships and a child does best with access to both kinds.  

We enjoy other deep relationship throughout life.  We have deep relationships with our family—brothers, sister, grandparents, and cousins.  We make friends.  We have girlfriends or boyfriends.  We may marry and form a deep relationship with a spouse.  We can also have deep relationships with colleagues and coworkers or with people in the Church.

Over the next few weeks, we are going to look at ways to improve the different types of deep relationships we share in life.  Today, I want to share some important advice from the Word of God that is especially applicable for people who are dating.  However, it also applies in other deep relationships.   

2 Corinthians 6:14-16

¹⁴ Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? ¹⁵ What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? ¹⁶ And what union can there be between God’s temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God.  

Dating

In Harper Lee’s novel, To Kill a Mocking Bird, Atticus Finch said, “You can choose your friends but you sho' can't choose your family…”  There’s a lot of wisdom in that.  In the context of deep relationships, it tells us we have little choice about some of our deep relationships—like our family.  However, there are many relationships we can choose.  One of the most important deep relationships we choose is who we date.

I will never forget the first time I told Kelly I loved her.  We’d only been dating a little while.  After an evening together, I brought Kelly home and walked her to the door.  She gave me a kiss goodnight and I said “I love you.”

Oh no!  What was I thinking?!?  In all honesty when I said “I love you” that night, it really wasn’t a conscious choice.  I didn’t think to myself ‘I think I’ll tell Kelly I love her tonight.’  It just sort of came out.  

You see, in my family growing up, we always said “I love you.”  We said it when we went to bed, when we parted company, when we said goodbye on the phone.  It was such a habit, I even accidentally said “I love you” to the pizza guy once.  Yeah, I was ordering a pizza over the phone and I was like, “I would like a large pepperoni pizza delivered to 4309 Vinson Ave.  How much is that?  Ok.  Yes, I would like extra cheese. Thank you.  So it’ll be here in 30 minutes or less.  Great!  I love you. Bye!  [Click.]”  How awkward is that?

Well that night after our date when I said “I love you”, Kelly did not reply with “I love you too” (like my Mom always did).  And I knew I had made a big mistake by the awkward silence that followed.  Kelly called later that night.  We had a long talk as she explained why she didn’t say, “I love you.”  She said she felt those were some very important words and she didn’t take them lightly.  She said that when she finally did say them, I would know she really meant it.

Funny thing is, I’m not sure if I really loved Kelly when I said those words to her the first time.  But after our telephone conversation that night, I think I really did start to love Kelly.  I thought, ‘Wow.  This is a really special woman.  Such honesty.  Such wisdom.  Such authenticity.  I could marry someone like her.’

It’s important to think carefully about the person you’re dating and decide is this is the kind of person with whom you should be in a deep relationship?  Do they have the kind of values you believe are most important?  Are they the kind of person who will help you grow as a person.  Are they the kind of person you could spend the rest of your life with?   If you surround yourself with amazing people, they will inspire you to be amazing.  However, 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.””

Kelly and I learned a lot about each other as we talked on the phone about the words “I love you” that night 24 years ago.  We were sorting out what be believed about love.  We were also learning how we communicated.  We found out how the other person was brought up and how we would like to bring up our own family.  (Incidentally, Kelly eventually decided that she really liked my family’s tradition of saying “I love you” often.  And to this day in our family, we tell each other and our children “I love you” every chance we get.)

Hopefully, one of the chief values you will expect in a person you date is that they are Christian.  Paul’s advice in 2 Corinthians 6:14 is very important here.  He said, “Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers.”  

A Christian’s faith is the very core of who we are.  A Christian is a person who has decided to give Jesus their complete allegiance.  A Christian seeks the Kingdom of God above all else.  A Christian has committed to follow Christ wherever he leads.  Why, then, would a Christian choose someone who is not a Christian as their most important teammate?  You need someone who shares your most basic, core faith.  You need someone who will help you be the best Christ-follower you can be and someone whom you can help in the same way.  

I would advise you--if you are a Christian--to be clear upfront with any person you date that you are a Christian and your faith is very important to you and you are looking for someone who shares your beliefs and values.  And don’t settle for someone who says they are a Christian.  Look to see if their actions align with their words.  Do they live as a Christian?  Are they active in church?  Do they serve others as Christ calls us to?  Do they have a real relationship with Jesus?  Now you’re never going to find the perfect person—perfect people don’t exist, but it’s reasonable and wise to expect the person you might spend the rest of your life with to have values you think are important.  

            Even if you are not dating, these principles still apply to other deep relationships you choose.  Consider the other types of deep relationships with which you might get involved.  I advise you to take these words to heart. 

Don’t Move too Fast

The second thing I would advise you when you are dating--don’t move too fast.  Who you marry is a very important decision; it will have a huge impact on the next 40, 50, or even 60 years of your life.  Take your time.   Kelly and I dated for two and a half years before we married.  At the time, it seemed like a very long period, but now that we’ve been married for almost 22 years, it doesn’t seem that long at all.

It takes time to really get to know someone and you want to know them pretty well before you make such a deep commitment as marriage.  There’s a lot going on in the early stages of dating.  Both people are trying to make the very best impression.  And because of the way our bodies and brains work, we initially look for all the things we like about someone we date while at the same time overlooking as many of their faults as we can.  That’s why the early stages of dating can be so exhilarating; your girlfriend or boyfriend just seems so wonderful and perfectly suited for you.  Of course they do, because you are drunk on hormones and they’re trying real hard to show you their very best.  That doesn’t mean they aren’t a good match, but it does mean it would be wise to give the relationship plenty of time to reveal a less biased picture.  Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.”  The same holds true for men.   Give the relationship time to move past the initial charm and physical attraction so you can see if they are still someone you want to spend your life with. 

It’s Just Dating

Now, some people would say, “We’re just dating.  It’s not that serious.  It’s not like I’m gonna marry them.”  I understand that sometimes you just want to go on a casual date.  But you have to understand the way the human body functions.  God designed us for deep relationships.  Therefore, the very biology of our bodies—the chemicals, the hormones, our emotions and psychology—is geared to drive us to into a deep relationship with someone of the opposite sex.  People who think they can just casually date anyone—regardless of their values—without it ever becoming serious misunderstand the powerful lure for people to bond.  We are designed for deep relationships and our casual relationships naturally grow deeper and deeper.  Before we know it, we are in too deep.  

The deeper the dating relationship the harder it is to turn back.   Perhaps, that is why so many people marry the wrong person.  Even if they see the red flags in the relationship early on, they can’t turn back because they’re already in over their heads.  I often counsel with people with marital problems because they don’t like something about their spouse.  I ask, “Didn’t you know this person had this bad quality when you were dating?”  They usually say, “Yes.  But I was in love” or they say “I guess I thought they would change.”  

Be careful.  You might think you’re just going on causal dates, but don’t underestimate the potential relationship you or the person you’re dating might be drawn into.  Make every effort to date people you believe share your values.  Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” 

What if You're Already Married?

            "But what if I’m already married?"  That’s a great question.  The Apostle Paul gave some advice for Christians who are already married to non-Christians. In 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 Paul basically advised Christians who are married to non-believers to remain married and work for their spouse’s conversion.  If this describes your marriage, I would encourage you to pray for your spouse to come to know Christ.  Don’t nag them about their faith or badger them to death to go to church.  Certainly, you can look for good opportunities to encourage them or invite them, but don’t be overbearing.  Remember, it is the Lord’s job to convict and convert your spouse.  You are only to love them and support them and to be a tool in God’s hand.  Who knows what God might do?  Make it a matter of daily prayer and live your Christian life in such a way that your spouse cannot help but admire your faith and be attracted by it.

            If you are struggling with other marital problems besides differing religious views, I would advise you to be proactive and work as hard as you can to overcome you problems.  Talk to your spouse about your concerns.  Talk to your pastor or seek marital counseling for a qualified marital counselor.  Marriage is sometimes difficult (that's why it's so important to make careful choices in the beginning while we are still dating if we can!).  Click here for more on marriage and dating.

 

Other Relationships

Paul warned the Corinthians not to team up (in deep relationships) with unbelievers.  This isn’t limited only to dating relationships.  Consider the other types of deep relationships you have in life (especially the deep relationships you choose)--the people with whom you do business, the company for which you work, your close friendships, partnerships, etc.  How does Paul’s advice apply in these relationships?

It would be nearly impossible for Christians to go through life without having any dealings with non-Christians nor should we.  I believe the love of Christ and His great commission compels us to reach out to non-believers.  (How else are we supposed to introduce them to Christ?)  However, we need to be especially careful about the kinds of relationships we develop with non-Christians and the depth to which we take those relationships.  We can choose some of the relationships we commit to, others we can choose how deeply we commit.  In every relationship, you should be careful and “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” (Proverbs 4:23) 

Invitation

The most important deep relationship we can have is one with Jesus Christ.  It is the one relationship that puts everything else on the right path.  Until we get our hearts right with Jesus, we will have problems with everything else.  You will struggle with your family life, your dating relationships, your marriage, your work-life, your friendships, your children.

It’s time to break down and surrender.  That means you’ve got to submit everything to Jesus.  You’ve got to give up trying to be in charge of your life.  Let Jesus be in charge.  He knows what you need more than you know yourself.  He loves you so much, he died on a cross to pay the price for your past mistakes.  Through Jesus, you can make a fresh start and follow his way of living--where you will develop deeply refreshing, meaningful, and uplifting relationships that will help you live life to the fullest.

Wouldn’t you like to give Jesus a try?  Then what’s stopping you?  Pray to him right now.  Ask him to come and take charge of your life.  Ask him to forgive your past mistakes and lead you from now on.  Promise to trust Jesus and follow him wherever he leads you and you will be truly blessed.  And ultimately, you will spend eternity with God in His glorious Kingdom.  Don’t delay.  Ask Jesus into your heart today.

 

Arguing with Jesus About Divorce

Mark 10:1-12 & Matthew 5:31-32

Introduction

            In my role as a pastor, I often find it necessary to argue with Jesus.  You might find that a strange thing for a pastor to say.  It would be laughable for any mortal to argue with the infinite wisdom of a God who created the universe?  Some might think to argue with Jesus reveals a lack of faith.  So let me explain what I mean by “arguing with Jesus.”

            I often find people misunderstand what Jesus really meant or they take his words in the Bible out of context.  They will come to me and say, “But in the Bible Jesus said…” and they will use Jesus’ words in the wrong way.  And then as a pastor, I find myself in the awkward position of arguing with Jesus.  So, I’m not so much arguing with Jesus as I am arguing with the way people misuse or misunderstand Jesus.

            Jesus said and did many things in the Bible.  In this series, I would like to address some of the passages that are often misused or misunderstood.  I hope you will come to Pleasant Grove UMC or read this blog for each of these messages.  Perhaps you know someone else who is particularly interested in one of these subjects.  Invite them to come too!

            Today, I want to “argue with Jesus” about the issue of divorce.  It might surprise you to find out how often people come to me racked with guilt because they have been divorced—even if the divorce was justified.  They will even quote Jesus’ words about divorce in the Bible and I find myself awkwardly “arguing with Jesus” on behalf of someone who needs grace and forgiveness.  So to start off, let’s turn in our Bibles to see what Jesus said about divorce. 

Mark 10:1-12

Then Jesus left Capernaum and went down to the region of Judea and into the area east of the Jordan River. Once again crowds gathered around him, and as usual he was teaching them.

² Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife?”

³ Jesus answered them with a question: “What did Moses say in the law about divorce?”

⁴ “Well, he permitted it,” they replied. “He said a man can give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away.”

⁵ But Jesus responded, “He wrote this commandment only as a concession to your hard hearts. ⁶ But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ⁷ ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, ⁸ and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, ⁹ let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

¹⁰ Later, when he was alone with his disciples in the house, they brought up the subject again. ¹¹ He told them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery against her. ¹² And if a woman divorces her husband and marries someone else, she commits adultery.”

The Apparent Lesson

            Jesus clearly takes a strong position against divorce in this passage.  Even though the Old Testament law in Deuteronomy 24:1 allowed for divorce, Jesus apparently does not.  This is a very strict teaching.  The disciples struggled with it and Christians have struggled with it ever since.  Let’s take a quick look at another passage from the Gospel of Matthew where Jesus listed only one acceptable excuse for divorce.

Matthew 5:31-32

“You have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce.’ ³² But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.

Only One Acceptable Excuse?

            In Matthew, Jesus says pretty much the same thing he does in Mark except he allows for divorce in the case of unfaithfulness.  What are we to make of all this?
            Well clearly, divorce is not God’s original intention.  Jesus’ view of marriage goes back to the original plan in creation where God designed a man and a woman for each other to become so unified in marriage that it’s as if they become one person.  Anything less falls short of God’s original plan. 

            If we only take Jesus’ words at face value (which is what many people do), we quickly run into problems.  Is unfaithfulness really the only acceptable cause for divorce?  What about physical abuse?  If a man is beating his wife, shouldn’t we advise her to get a divorce as soon as possible for the sake of her own safety?  What about harsh verbal or mental abuse?  Should a person remain in a marriage where they are being torn apart inside by the ongoing and excessive cruelty of their spouse?  The answers to these questions should be obvious. 

Sometimes a divorce is right thing to do.  Sometimes it is the only way out of an extremely harmful marital situation.  You would be surprised by the number of times I have counseled with both men and women in just these kinds of situations.  I believe Jesus would embrace them and comfort them and tell many of them to get a divorce as soon as possible.  And yet, these unfortunate victims struggle with guilt because of what Jesus said in the passages we just read.   

Understanding the Context

            It is crucial for us to understand what Jesus said about divorce within the proper context in which he said it.  First of all, look at verse 2.  “Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife?””  You see, this conversation was not a sincere attempt of the Pharisees to understand God’s plan for marriage and divorce.  This whole issue was brought to Jesus as a way to get Jesus in trouble and make him look bad.  So, we need to keep that in mind as we consider what Jesus said about divorce.

            The second thing we need to consider is what divorce was like in Jesus day.  The Jewish law in the Old Testament had a provision for divorce.  Deuteronomy 24:1 says, “Suppose a man marries a woman but she does not please him. Having discovered something wrong with her, he writes a document of divorce, hands it to her, and sends her away from his house.”

            Now let’s think about that a little.  It’s saying that if a wife does not please her husband, he can just divorce her.  That’s pretty harsh!  So maybe she’s getting a little older and she doesn’t look as appealing as the younger woman who just moved in next door.  Does that qualify?  It seems so if you take the Llw literally.  Or maybe the wife doesn’t agree with everything the husband says.  Is that cause for divorce?  It seems so according to a literal reading of the Old Testament law.  If you’re going strictly by what Deuteronomy 24:1 says, a husband can divorce his wife for any reason she does not please him—and that could be almost anything.  And that is exactly what many husbands were doing to their wives in Jesus day.  Furthermore, there is no provision in the Old Testament law for a woman who wants to divorce a man!

            Jesus lived in a society where women had few rights or privileges.  Moreover, they had limited (if any) means to provide for themselves outside of marriage.  So a woman who was divorced and sent away from her husband’s house often faced tremendous hardship in addition to shame.  So when Jesus spoke out to forbid divorce, he was actually speaking out to protect women from unjust treatment and exploitation.  How ironic it is then that today women often come to me consumed with guilt because they had to divorce a man who was mistreating or exploiting them! 

Times Have Changed

            In the original context, Jesus was trying to protect women, but times have changed.  Women have many more opportunities now than they did 2,000 years ago.  A wife who divorces can make it on her own in ways that women in Jesus’ day could not imagine.  I, myself, grew up as the product of a single, divorced mom.  It was not easy for her to provide for our family, but she managed in ways women in the New Testament probably could not.  So times have changed—somewhat for the better—since Jesus spoke out against divorce. 

Today, I find that men often need protection when it comes to divorce.  I have counseled with a number of men in heart breaking situations where the wife was asking for a divorce and the husband did not want it.  The husband was not necessarily guilty of any grave offence or abuse.  Furthermore, the husband was even willing to seek marital counseling to improve the relationship with the wife, but the wife was unwilling.  So men sometimes—just as much as women—can find themselves devastated and completely heartbroken—having to deal with an unwanted divorce and all the financial troubles and familial complications a divorce brings.  And sometimes I have felt that if Jesus were present he might grab a few mean-spirited wives and just shake them and say, “Don’t you realize how cruel and unchristian you are being!”  It was not that divorce was evil; it was the fact that the divorce was unnecessary, but the wife didn’t care and was not willing to even try and fix the problem. 

The Bottom Line about Divorce

            So what’s the bottom line?  What should we think about divorce?  If Jesus were speaking from this pulpit today, what would he say?  Well, God did not part the clouds and give me the answer in an audible voice.  However, I have thought deeply and prayed about this over many years of walking with the Lord and serving as a pastor to counsel numerous couples facing divorce and here’s what I believe Jesus would say.

            First of all, divorce is not God’s original plan.  From the beginning of creation, God designed marriage to be a lifelong, deep and sacred union between a man and a woman.  The closer a husband and wife come to this goal, the closer they are to God’s will and the more fulfilling their life together will be.  This is God’s hope for all married people.

            However, marriage is not easy.  It takes a lot of work—especially because we are broken individuals that live in an imperfect world.  Sometimes we will face problems in our marriage—maybe even very difficult problems.  Yet we should strive very hard to work through our marital troubles if at all possible.  A marriage that is worth having is worth fighting for.  And you would be amazed at some of the stories I could tell you of broken marriages I have seen healed.  It often saddens me to see marriages fail that I believe could be fixed if only both the husband and wife were willing to work on it.  So divorce should be a last resort, when everything else has been tried and failed.

            Unfortunately, sometimes divorce is the only option.  When repeated attempts to fix the marriage have failed (including sincere attempts at marriage counseling and appeals to God for divine help), divorce may be better than staying in a destructive marriage.  A good analogy might be the way you would treat your own body in a medical emergency.  For instance, suppose you were in a terrible accident and your arm was badly injured.  You would do everything you could to save your arm.  However, if you couldn’t save the arm and the only way to save your life was to cut off your arm, you would have a surgeon cut it off in order to save your life.  You would be without an arm for the rest of your life, but at least you would be alive.  In the same way, you should do everything you can to save your marriage; but if you cannot save it and to stay in the marriage would devastate you, by all means get a divorce.  But understand this: there will always be a terrible scar. 

Invitation

To those of you who have suffered through a divorce (or who will suffer through one in the future), understand that Jesus is not against you.  Most likely, you divorced because it was forced upon you or else you could see no other way out.  And Jesus, who knows all things, knows your heart.  He is full of grace and mercy and love.  Come to him and know that he welcomes you with open arms.  Do not let the words he spoke 2,000 years ago in a different time and place when evil men were trying to trap him hinder you.  Jesus speaks on your behalf today and says, “I love you.  You are welcome.  Do not be ashamed.  I offer healing for your scars and your broken heart.”

Even if you believe today that your divorce was not justified—that for some reason you acted inappropriately—Jesus still offers forgiveness and grace.  There is no sin you have committed that puts you out of reach of God’s love in Jesus Christ.  If you recognize your fault and ask Jesus to forgive you, he will wash you clean.  Your sin will be forgotten forever by the Lord and you can make a fresh start from this day forward.  If you would like forgiveness for this or any other sin, pray to Jesus for forgiveness today.

Lastly, it may be that some of you are struggling in your marriage.  Maybe you are even contemplating a divorce.  Let me encourage you as strongly as I know how—talk to a pastor or a marriage counselor.  It may be that Jesus can heal the brokenness in your marriage and make your relationship stronger than you ever imagined.  I have seen it happen.  However, nothing will get better if you keep your struggles to yourself.  Talk to a pastor or marriage counselor they can help you start on a better road.  Or they may find out that a divorce is the best road for you to choose and then you can have the peace of mind in knowing you tried everything you could.