What Jesus Really Said About Divorce

Introduction
We are working our way through Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount found in Matthew chapters 5-7.  Today our subject is a sensitive one:  divorce.  The experience of divorce is described by many as one of the most painful experiences of life.  It is something that affects not only the divorced couple, but also their children, families, and friends.  And just based on statistics, it’s likely half of the people reading this have been through a divorce or will sometime in their lifetime.

Jesus had some important things to say about marriage and divorce.  He spoke the Truth with genuine love.  Please know upfront that is my intention too—to speak the truth in love.  I’m not here to judge anyone.  I think if we really understanding of what Jesus said about divorce and how it should be interpreted in our world today, we will find an incredible amount of God’s grace and love as well as Truth that can change our lives forever for the better.

So what did Jesus say?  It is found in Matthew 5:31-32.

Matthew 5:31
³¹ “You have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce.’ 

Jesus is talking about an Old Testament law in Deuteronomy 24 that says, “If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her…” he can give her a written certificate of divorce and send her away. 

The Jewish religious leaders of Jesus day debated a specific clause in that statement quite a bit: “if he finds something indecent about her.”  What does it mean to be indecent?  There were two popular interpretations in Jesus’ day.  A famous rabbi named Shammai said the only indecency that could lead to divorce was a serious transgression.  For example if a woman was stealing her husband’s money or flirting with her neighbors or walking around exposing herself in public, this was serious indecent behavior that were grounds for divorce.  Another famous rabbi, rabbi Hillel said a man could divorce his wife simply because she burned his toast!

So the religious Jews of Jesus day generally grouped themselves into one or the other school of thought about divorce.  One said you can divorce your wife for almost any reason at all and a stricter belief that it had to be a serious offence.  I should point out here that it would not be necessary to divorce your wife if she cheated on you, because the Old Testament penalty for adultery was death.  So if your wife cheated and was put to death, no divorce is necessary.

But Jesus, who is God, says:

Matthew 5:32
³² But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.

People has often used this passage to prove Jesus forbids Christians to divorce or to remarry after a divorce.  On the surface, that’s what it seems like Jesus is saying.  But if you only read the passage this way, you are misunderstanding the point Jesus makes.  Throughout this chapter, Jesus uses real-life examples to show people are utterly helpless to fulfill God’s perfect and holy Law.  Remember what Jesus said in the passage last week about lust and adultery?  If you even look at someone else and lust in your heart you’ve already committed adultery in your heart and broken God’s law.  And since hardly anyone can honestly say they haven’t ever lusted, we are guilty.

The Jewish religious leaders knew how hard it was for people to stay married to the same person their whole life.  So they were always looking for exceptions.  One group said “if she burns your toast, you can divorce her.”  Another group said, “No.  It has something serious.”  Jesus said, it was never God’s intention that anyone get divorced, and if you do you are breaking God’s law (see Matthew 19).  The point is, once again, Jesus is saying we are unable to fulfill God's Law.  That’s why Jesus came to fulfill the Law for us, to die on the cross to pay our penalty, and offer us God’s grace and mercy to restore our broken relationship with Him.  This passage is not directly about divorce.  It's about how Jesus came to save us from out sin.  He's using a practical example from life to show how helpless we are.

But What About Divorce?
Well, that’s a fine biblical theology lesson.  However, what we all still want to know:  Is it OK for Christians to divorce and remarry.  I get it.  Divorce is heart wrenching.  And genuine Christians who want to be faithful really struggle when it comes to divorce.

Methodists accept that divorce is sometimes necessary.  This is true of the two largest Methodist denominations—United Methodist Church and the Global Methodist Church.  And as far as I know, divorce is allowed by all the other major Methodist traditions of which I'm aware.  However, I want to state clearly that we believe this not in spite of what Jesus and the Bible says but because of what Jesus and the Bible says.  How can that be when Jesus clearly seems to prohibit divorce?

The Bible’s laws about divorce, laws that Jesus confirmed, were specifically designed to protect women in the ancient world against abandonment.  Since most women in Jesus’ day could not work to provide a living for themselves (unless they turned to prostitution), God did not want women to be abandoned.  So, God gave strict laws to forbid divorce so women could not be cast out and left destitute.

In a perfect world the way God intended it to be, divorce would not be necessary. A man and woman would be faithful and loving to each other their whole lives. But we all know we don’t live in a perfect world.  Sometimes divorce is necessary.  Sometimes, in our modern world, divorce is the way to protect women (and also men). 

Look at an example:  What if a man is abusing his wife?  There is no way in the world Jesus would tell that woman she must stay with her abusive husband.  Jesus’ teaching about divorce was there to protect women, not hurt them.  And this goes for mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse as well as physical abuse.  Jesus wants more than anything to protect the vulnerable.

And it also goes both ways—for both men and women—because Jesus wants to protect men too.  In our modern world where women can leave their husband and make it on their own, men need protection from abusive relationships too.  Sometimes divorce is the only way out of a abusive marriage for a husband.  And if Jesus was here today speaking to you, He would say the same thing.  So don’t let anyone twist what Jesus said to protect women 2,000 year ago to hurt women (or men) today.  God’s Law and Jesus’ teaching is meant to protect the vulnerable from abuse.

Now, that is not to say Christians should take marriage lightly or use divorce as a excuse not to work through tough marital issues.  Marriage takes a lot of work and faithful spouses should be committed to do everything possible to stay together if they can.  The truth is, divorce is so difficult and expensive and painful, I don’t think too many people out there take it lightly. 
Our goal should be to marry for life.  And I think two faithful people who are truly committed to each other and to Jesus can find a way to be together for life.  But it takes both the husband and the wife to make that happen.  And if it can’t happen and staying married is more harmful than good, then divorce is permissible—maybe even advisable.

In first Corinthians 7, the Apostle Paul also taught about divorce.  He said if your spouse is determined to leave, you should let them go.  You aren’t bound to try and force them to stay.

There is much more that could be said on the subject of marriage and divorce than we can address in a general message like this.  Marriage and divorce are complex and every case is unique.  If you are struggling in your marriage or contemplating divorce, come talk with me (or find a good pastor or marriage counselor to talk to.)  Many times marriage problems that seem too big to be worked out can be overcome with a little help from a counselor.  And if your problems are truly cause for separation or divorce, a wise counselor can help you determine that too and you will have the peace of mind knowing you did everything you could to save your marriage.

We Live In A Broken World
We live in a broken world.  The Bible tells us our spiritual ancestors, Adam and Eve, disobeyed God and brought sin into the world.  All of creation has suffers the consequences.  Romans 3:23 says, “All have sinned and fall short of God’s glorious standard.”  We see the results all around us.  There is sickness.  There is war.  There is famine.  Even our marriages fail because the world is not the way God intended it or wants it to be.  

That’s why Jesus came.  He came to fulfill the requirements of the Law when we couldn’t.  Jesus gave His life on the cross to atone for our sins.  Jesus rose from the grave to prove God’s promise of reconciliation and eternal life for all who repent and call on the name of Jesus to be saved.  So remember what Jesus did for us and follow Him as Lord and He will strengthen you to live for Him until we realize the healing and restoration of the coming Kingdom of Heaven.

Arguing with Jesus About Divorce

Mark 10:1-12 & Matthew 5:31-32

Introduction

            In my role as a pastor, I often find it necessary to argue with Jesus.  You might find that a strange thing for a pastor to say.  It would be laughable for any mortal to argue with the infinite wisdom of a God who created the universe?  Some might think to argue with Jesus reveals a lack of faith.  So let me explain what I mean by “arguing with Jesus.”

            I often find people misunderstand what Jesus really meant or they take his words in the Bible out of context.  They will come to me and say, “But in the Bible Jesus said…” and they will use Jesus’ words in the wrong way.  And then as a pastor, I find myself in the awkward position of arguing with Jesus.  So, I’m not so much arguing with Jesus as I am arguing with the way people misuse or misunderstand Jesus.

            Jesus said and did many things in the Bible.  In this series, I would like to address some of the passages that are often misused or misunderstood.  I hope you will come to Pleasant Grove UMC or read this blog for each of these messages.  Perhaps you know someone else who is particularly interested in one of these subjects.  Invite them to come too!

            Today, I want to “argue with Jesus” about the issue of divorce.  It might surprise you to find out how often people come to me racked with guilt because they have been divorced—even if the divorce was justified.  They will even quote Jesus’ words about divorce in the Bible and I find myself awkwardly “arguing with Jesus” on behalf of someone who needs grace and forgiveness.  So to start off, let’s turn in our Bibles to see what Jesus said about divorce. 

Mark 10:1-12

Then Jesus left Capernaum and went down to the region of Judea and into the area east of the Jordan River. Once again crowds gathered around him, and as usual he was teaching them.

² Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife?”

³ Jesus answered them with a question: “What did Moses say in the law about divorce?”

⁴ “Well, he permitted it,” they replied. “He said a man can give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away.”

⁵ But Jesus responded, “He wrote this commandment only as a concession to your hard hearts. ⁶ But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ⁷ ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, ⁸ and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, ⁹ let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

¹⁰ Later, when he was alone with his disciples in the house, they brought up the subject again. ¹¹ He told them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery against her. ¹² And if a woman divorces her husband and marries someone else, she commits adultery.”

The Apparent Lesson

            Jesus clearly takes a strong position against divorce in this passage.  Even though the Old Testament law in Deuteronomy 24:1 allowed for divorce, Jesus apparently does not.  This is a very strict teaching.  The disciples struggled with it and Christians have struggled with it ever since.  Let’s take a quick look at another passage from the Gospel of Matthew where Jesus listed only one acceptable excuse for divorce.

Matthew 5:31-32

“You have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce.’ ³² But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.

Only One Acceptable Excuse?

            In Matthew, Jesus says pretty much the same thing he does in Mark except he allows for divorce in the case of unfaithfulness.  What are we to make of all this?
            Well clearly, divorce is not God’s original intention.  Jesus’ view of marriage goes back to the original plan in creation where God designed a man and a woman for each other to become so unified in marriage that it’s as if they become one person.  Anything less falls short of God’s original plan. 

            If we only take Jesus’ words at face value (which is what many people do), we quickly run into problems.  Is unfaithfulness really the only acceptable cause for divorce?  What about physical abuse?  If a man is beating his wife, shouldn’t we advise her to get a divorce as soon as possible for the sake of her own safety?  What about harsh verbal or mental abuse?  Should a person remain in a marriage where they are being torn apart inside by the ongoing and excessive cruelty of their spouse?  The answers to these questions should be obvious. 

Sometimes a divorce is right thing to do.  Sometimes it is the only way out of an extremely harmful marital situation.  You would be surprised by the number of times I have counseled with both men and women in just these kinds of situations.  I believe Jesus would embrace them and comfort them and tell many of them to get a divorce as soon as possible.  And yet, these unfortunate victims struggle with guilt because of what Jesus said in the passages we just read.   

Understanding the Context

            It is crucial for us to understand what Jesus said about divorce within the proper context in which he said it.  First of all, look at verse 2.  “Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife?””  You see, this conversation was not a sincere attempt of the Pharisees to understand God’s plan for marriage and divorce.  This whole issue was brought to Jesus as a way to get Jesus in trouble and make him look bad.  So, we need to keep that in mind as we consider what Jesus said about divorce.

            The second thing we need to consider is what divorce was like in Jesus day.  The Jewish law in the Old Testament had a provision for divorce.  Deuteronomy 24:1 says, “Suppose a man marries a woman but she does not please him. Having discovered something wrong with her, he writes a document of divorce, hands it to her, and sends her away from his house.”

            Now let’s think about that a little.  It’s saying that if a wife does not please her husband, he can just divorce her.  That’s pretty harsh!  So maybe she’s getting a little older and she doesn’t look as appealing as the younger woman who just moved in next door.  Does that qualify?  It seems so if you take the Llw literally.  Or maybe the wife doesn’t agree with everything the husband says.  Is that cause for divorce?  It seems so according to a literal reading of the Old Testament law.  If you’re going strictly by what Deuteronomy 24:1 says, a husband can divorce his wife for any reason she does not please him—and that could be almost anything.  And that is exactly what many husbands were doing to their wives in Jesus day.  Furthermore, there is no provision in the Old Testament law for a woman who wants to divorce a man!

            Jesus lived in a society where women had few rights or privileges.  Moreover, they had limited (if any) means to provide for themselves outside of marriage.  So a woman who was divorced and sent away from her husband’s house often faced tremendous hardship in addition to shame.  So when Jesus spoke out to forbid divorce, he was actually speaking out to protect women from unjust treatment and exploitation.  How ironic it is then that today women often come to me consumed with guilt because they had to divorce a man who was mistreating or exploiting them! 

Times Have Changed

            In the original context, Jesus was trying to protect women, but times have changed.  Women have many more opportunities now than they did 2,000 years ago.  A wife who divorces can make it on her own in ways that women in Jesus’ day could not imagine.  I, myself, grew up as the product of a single, divorced mom.  It was not easy for her to provide for our family, but she managed in ways women in the New Testament probably could not.  So times have changed—somewhat for the better—since Jesus spoke out against divorce. 

Today, I find that men often need protection when it comes to divorce.  I have counseled with a number of men in heart breaking situations where the wife was asking for a divorce and the husband did not want it.  The husband was not necessarily guilty of any grave offence or abuse.  Furthermore, the husband was even willing to seek marital counseling to improve the relationship with the wife, but the wife was unwilling.  So men sometimes—just as much as women—can find themselves devastated and completely heartbroken—having to deal with an unwanted divorce and all the financial troubles and familial complications a divorce brings.  And sometimes I have felt that if Jesus were present he might grab a few mean-spirited wives and just shake them and say, “Don’t you realize how cruel and unchristian you are being!”  It was not that divorce was evil; it was the fact that the divorce was unnecessary, but the wife didn’t care and was not willing to even try and fix the problem. 

The Bottom Line about Divorce

            So what’s the bottom line?  What should we think about divorce?  If Jesus were speaking from this pulpit today, what would he say?  Well, God did not part the clouds and give me the answer in an audible voice.  However, I have thought deeply and prayed about this over many years of walking with the Lord and serving as a pastor to counsel numerous couples facing divorce and here’s what I believe Jesus would say.

            First of all, divorce is not God’s original plan.  From the beginning of creation, God designed marriage to be a lifelong, deep and sacred union between a man and a woman.  The closer a husband and wife come to this goal, the closer they are to God’s will and the more fulfilling their life together will be.  This is God’s hope for all married people.

            However, marriage is not easy.  It takes a lot of work—especially because we are broken individuals that live in an imperfect world.  Sometimes we will face problems in our marriage—maybe even very difficult problems.  Yet we should strive very hard to work through our marital troubles if at all possible.  A marriage that is worth having is worth fighting for.  And you would be amazed at some of the stories I could tell you of broken marriages I have seen healed.  It often saddens me to see marriages fail that I believe could be fixed if only both the husband and wife were willing to work on it.  So divorce should be a last resort, when everything else has been tried and failed.

            Unfortunately, sometimes divorce is the only option.  When repeated attempts to fix the marriage have failed (including sincere attempts at marriage counseling and appeals to God for divine help), divorce may be better than staying in a destructive marriage.  A good analogy might be the way you would treat your own body in a medical emergency.  For instance, suppose you were in a terrible accident and your arm was badly injured.  You would do everything you could to save your arm.  However, if you couldn’t save the arm and the only way to save your life was to cut off your arm, you would have a surgeon cut it off in order to save your life.  You would be without an arm for the rest of your life, but at least you would be alive.  In the same way, you should do everything you can to save your marriage; but if you cannot save it and to stay in the marriage would devastate you, by all means get a divorce.  But understand this: there will always be a terrible scar. 

Invitation

To those of you who have suffered through a divorce (or who will suffer through one in the future), understand that Jesus is not against you.  Most likely, you divorced because it was forced upon you or else you could see no other way out.  And Jesus, who knows all things, knows your heart.  He is full of grace and mercy and love.  Come to him and know that he welcomes you with open arms.  Do not let the words he spoke 2,000 years ago in a different time and place when evil men were trying to trap him hinder you.  Jesus speaks on your behalf today and says, “I love you.  You are welcome.  Do not be ashamed.  I offer healing for your scars and your broken heart.”

Even if you believe today that your divorce was not justified—that for some reason you acted inappropriately—Jesus still offers forgiveness and grace.  There is no sin you have committed that puts you out of reach of God’s love in Jesus Christ.  If you recognize your fault and ask Jesus to forgive you, he will wash you clean.  Your sin will be forgotten forever by the Lord and you can make a fresh start from this day forward.  If you would like forgiveness for this or any other sin, pray to Jesus for forgiveness today.

Lastly, it may be that some of you are struggling in your marriage.  Maybe you are even contemplating a divorce.  Let me encourage you as strongly as I know how—talk to a pastor or a marriage counselor.  It may be that Jesus can heal the brokenness in your marriage and make your relationship stronger than you ever imagined.  I have seen it happen.  However, nothing will get better if you keep your struggles to yourself.  Talk to a pastor or marriage counselor they can help you start on a better road.  Or they may find out that a divorce is the best road for you to choose and then you can have the peace of mind in knowing you tried everything you could.